I don't feel the pain anymore

"Memories will either haunt you or cherish you, it depends. But always remember how strong you were moving on and look forward rather than being depressed about it."

I was shocked that my 2 years of ex suddenly mentioned me on Twitter (if you're reading this, yes, I'm telling a story about you) asking me for a followback as he wanted to ask me something, and so I did. He direct message me asking whether if I still have all his baby pictures with me. Well unfortunately, it went away with the flood long ago. I was sorry but yet teary a little bit because he asked about it so that I would give him back. Well actually I really want to give everything back to him including a journal and a picture book I used to make for him. Another surprise was that he remembered that I always put all his pictures in my purse. Gosh! As to prove that I no longer have his pictures, I took a picture of a box he used to gave me for my 15th birthday present. You can have it back if you want to. I still wear the Baby-G watch you gave me too for the 4th year. After the short conversation, he actually said sorry for disturbing me and that I could unfollow him. So I replied with a smile the he also could block me, again, as he has blocked me before (which I do not know why cause I remembered we only had a small chat and nothing went wrong bout it, but nevermind!). Suddenly, all the memories came flying through my mind. But it didn't brought me to tears at all. I was surprised. All I want is so that he would accept the fact that I've changed and my past and our pasts are just history, as in all my faults should be forgotten. People are right, it is hard to be friends again with your past. But we went well before, what happened? I'm not being hypocritical about the friendship thing. I just don't want to make enemies. It is very useless to do so. But I gotta face the truth that we both really moved on and got our lives back on track, I agree. Here's to a new beginning! Cheers!

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

It does hurt, y'know.

I don't know it's either because I'm used to live on my own or that I'm always far away alone, I just can't tell.

Insecurities

The feeling you have especially towards your partner, it's common in relationships. 

I used to be insecure, I am insecure and will always be insecure. The difference now is that I have learned to control myself. I would be lying if I say that I don't have any insecurities in my current relationship. 

You know, I really don't like controlling and I really hate myself for overthinking such nonsense would happen to my relationship. All because of my past relationships ended horribly and the memories still haunts me sometimes. I'm just afraid that it would be hard for me to trust again with promises.

I have my flaws too. But eventually I came to realize that my flaws could change for the better. My insecurities aren't as bad as some other girls out there. You wanna go out with your friends? Go. You need to text your girl friends about work? Text them. You need to be partners with a girl for an assignment? Be her partner. But always remember the reason why you started a relationship with someone. Remember the troubles you went through just to get her to like you back. Would you want it to come to waste?

Your girlfriend will stalk you sometimes. Thinking to herself everyday and every night, is she the one for you? Will she be worth it for you? Girls and insecurities won't be apart. They would try not to have it, but it's impossible to lose such feeling. Been there. 

What I'm trying to say is, don't let your girl down by your stupid mistakes. Tolerate with each other. I'm sure you guys also have insecurities for your girl. So think of it, don't make such mistake that you wouldn't want others to do it at you. 

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

Pain

You felt it

You've been through it

You got through it 

You promised yourself that it won't happen again

You promised yourself that you won't feel that way again

You said it won't hurt you anymore

You lied

It was still there

All the pain

All the tears

All those hurtful words running through your mind

And you say it was okay

You still say that it will be okay

Pain

Feelings

They say God created feelings to those who deserves them. Well then, everyone does. Who are you to say that such person does not need to have feelings just because they don't express it non-verbally?

Feelings, there are happy, sad, angry, anxious, depress, guilty and many more. These feelings are the existence in human relationships. Therefore no one should question why such feelings occurred. 

I could say that I've experienced mostly an angry feeling rather than being happy. It's just that I'm literally always angry at myself. Why? Because whatever I do will somehow looks wrong to others. For example, I did my best in a competition although I lost, is it my fault? Shouldn't it be that my opponent is better than me or even his/her chance of winning that time was higher? Think of it in both ways.

Another example nowadays, boys and girls, men and women, they kept fighting back with each other using the social media. "All guys are these, all women are that bla bla bla...", to me, both genders have their own personality and feelings. Women are soft and vulnerable yet dedicated whereas men are tough and could also be soft at some situation. What I'm trying to say here is I'm quite annoyed with both genders accusing and assuming each other. Both genders could cheat, lie, stay loyal, be generous, be hopelessly romantic and so on, not only based on one gender. There are reasons for some people who became that way. 

But then again, if you're rasional and mature enough, you should know that no matter how many times your heart has been broken, you've been cheated on or lied to, you CAN move on and make better choices for your life. Change yourself for the better. If you're still aching with your past relationship, think of how your parents felt, your God felt then when you don't fulfill your duty to them. Don't let strangers with memories crushes you and your future. There are still a lot more to go through and I'm sure that all of you are strong enough to make it. Fighting!

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

Late night thoughts

Its 3:40 am and I just finished reading a Malay novel entitled "Setia Hujung Nyawa" (tak sedar diri nak exam lusa). The moral of the story is that you accept someone's past and believed in Allah that everything happened for a reason, Kun Fayakun. 

But the parts I dislike about the story is when the husband almost fell for his lust, and when a girl is trying to flirt with someone's husband. I actually threw the novel away after reading those parts.

After I was done, thoughts came to me and I really hate when I overthink things that I would not know will happen or not in the future. Who would know what will happen in the future?

Things I worried most in after marriage life are like someone messing with the relationship, or doing sins to release stress.

"O Allah, I beg of you. Bestowed me a bright future with a great husband, great family and a happy life. As I do not ask much more from it. Protect my family now and the ones in the future. Bring me light and shine my way through to Jannah. As you are the Almighty one. Amin"

From Allah it happened, and to Allah you shall seek for. Every time I get this bad feelings or thoughts, I du'a that Allah has great plans for me and all I need is to be patient. 

"Good things come to those who wait"

I just hope and wish that all these bad thoughts and feelings will go away, that one day, all I could think of are just great memories. In shaa Allah. 

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

To love or not to love

At my age now, people would still think that I'm too young to think about serious relationships. But hey, it doesn't matter. To me, at any age you should be mature enough in thinking the consequences of a relationship. And I do admit I was foolish at relationships during my past.

Here's a little bit story about my love life.

During my school years, I thought that I need to have a boyfriend and to be in a relationship. Good guys I know are only meant to be friends but then I have a taste for jerks. I mean, not literally. But it somehow happened. I was so mesmerized by words and didn't even realize that it was me doing all the actions. Believe it or not, and I'm not saying bad things much about my exes, but yeah I was the one who got dumped. Reasons like "You didn't pay much attention to me" or "I saw you with this guy..." or even "I looked for a new one because I got bored of you". Oh how much it hurts that those words made me kinda heartless then. But I remembered about  this one relationship of mine that lasted for 2 years, he actually took some actions to spend time with although it was quite a long distance relationship. He was so kind and lovely, that my parents actually didn't mind him. We broke up because of the images of me and some guys who were my teammates and he thought that I cheated on him. I didn't even get the chance to explain (please don't simply assume and talk it out if you want your relationship to last). Few years later, people said that I've changed. Although in those years I have still known few jerks (sorry not sorry). Once I've started my studies in university, I actually didn't had a thought of being in a relationship. Yes, I may know some guys but none of them are ones I would have as a boyfriend (no offense please). But then again, I knew a guy somehow and my first impression to him was not so good as I had this feelings of "He might just be the same as the rest". Yet I regretted for it, cause he was the exact opposite from what I thought. Guess what? He is now my boyfriend! And what comes in our future, we believed in Kun Fayakun "what will happen, will happen". I know some of you might think that I am easily attracted to guys. Well honestly, I'm not. Keep your opinions to yourself and we'll see how it goes. 

Xoxo,

Ayleeya 

The Life I Chose

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

By George Bernard Shaw 

Wise words, I agree. In my whole 19 years of life (actually there's a month left till I am), I somehow would say that is not like any other teenagers I have known. I am not exactly the one who sticks around for too long, or maybe I'm just like that. I started sports since I was young, very young, as I have parents who used to play sports half of their lives during their times, except for my father, who still play sports until now. I started to dedicate myself to sports at the age of 9. While all of my friends of the same age would be doing their homework together, having sleepovers or even play together, I was busy with training and tournaments as I do not have time to spare. 

Few years later, I was happy because I somehow achieved some of my life goals, but it made me into an antisocial. The reason why I'm saying this is because, I continued my life as a sportsmen rather than a normal girl, going to a girl school or any normal high school. Instead, I went to a national sports school. My parents and my coach told me that it was me, myself who chose this path. I chose to move on and to focus on sports. During then, my life was nothing but sports, training, and tournaments.

But life wasn't easy to expect at all, I dropped out of the sports school and went to a cluster boarding school, but I only lasted for a year there, and ended my school year at a normal high school (finally!). As I thought being in a normal school, that I could socialize easily, I was definitely wrong! Everyone's first impression to me are such as "Look at her, her size...", "She looks like as if she would kill us all", and even "Does she even talk?" (I know as people told me these once they're comfortable with me). I got used to hearing those words. Cause honestly, to me, moving from one place to another, transferring schools made me realize that not everyone sticks to your side. They either move on and forget you, or thinking that you were just a memory. Eventually, I became cold. Cold as in, I don't get sad losing friends anymore, not being cold and ignored everyone, no! I still do have some friends in the past who still remembers me although I was the one who became forgetful (if any of you reading this, I'm sorry!). Thus, I ended my high school life with experiences that I never thought I would have. 

Months later, I got my examination results and continued my studies in one of the local university here in Malaysia. I took a course that surprised everyone in my surroundings even to those who just knew me then, which is Mass Communication. Most people be like, "But you played sports, so why this course?" and bla bla bla bla bla ~ Yes, I used to play sports as my major before, but that was before, and I suddenly got interested with photography and journalism (which is called as 'photojournalist'), so I heard that Mass Communication has what I wanted to be. Even in just two semesters, I've been through a lot and of course I still have difficulties in communicating and socializing. But somehow, I gained some confidence during presentations and interviews.

In my university life too, that I learned not all friends are trustworthy. I'm in deep apology for saying such words, but it is true. I am very sure those who have been through this stage of life knows best about backstabbers, cons etc. But, that's how life works. Even I, myself are not great enough to be praised for what I do, and I only do a little rather than others who struggled themselves for success. I may partly not have the rights to say all this, but it is MY story. I, myself have offended and hurt many people, and eventually I got sorry for it. Life has brought me to reality, and reality is very painful. Choose your path wisely, but always be ready to handle heartbreaks, fights, and memories, as it will make you remember of who you've become in the future. As for me, in shaa Allah, I'll get through with mine.

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

Let's try this one more time

Well, hello, hi, assalamualaikum, anyeonghaseyo. I guess this time I should really pay a little bit more of attention to my blog since I kept forgetting bout it. There's not much of anything about my blog, but hey, if you're interested in MY stories, then go ahead! I made my blog a little simpler this time as I'm just a rookie. And why I put "One Gender, Two Looks"? Cause people around me have been saying that I kinda have two personalities inside me, both as a guy and a girl. With my short hair this time, they also said that I look either boyish or girlish, kinda depends on what I wear at that time. A little bit about me, well uhh, I'm a GIRL definitely, born in '96, currently in a relationship, I love sports (especially squash and basketball), and I have a really BIG appetite for food. I might look or act like a rebel in reality, but I do listen to any kind of music genre besides hardcore music. So I hope I could dedicate myself to this blog even more next time, sorry cause I'm quite bad with my English, and hopefully there will be more stories then and now.

Xoxo,

Ayleeya