Help

I've thought of killing myself many times before. I've been depressed for so long. I've been in tears countless times. But no one is there. And they will never be.....

I'm never enough

It has been 4 weeks since I left home for various tournaments and my semester break has ended too. I've chosen this life since I was 10 when I started going on national tournaments. I've sacrificed my time, energy and feelings just to play squash, and all I want is to just come back home with the look of joy and happiness from my family's faces congratulating me for my hard work and whatever results that I get. Unfortunately, it was only just a dream. Years have passed by, and I'm still rarely at home yet they always say that I'm always home doing nothing and not helpful at all. I'm still busy with tournaments while studying and still busy with it when I'm on breaks. Why is everything my fault? Why is that I'm always at fault even if it wasn't my doing? Now that I just got back, why do you need to pick fights with me? I just want some rest. I really wanna hear "Congratulations, Ilya" for once with actual meaning of it and not hearing any mockings from all of you. I was never a professional athlete and never will be. I've wasted my childhood, my teen years and now my semester breaks just to play squash. Stop comparing me to those professional players. Just STOP! 

*clears the dust*

WHAT'S UP?

So here I am, during semester break and not having an actual one. Sucks huh? All I ever do is going for tournaments and get less money than the rest of my friends who are doing REAL part time JOBS. So yeah ~