"Nak buat macam mana kan?"

"Ilya ni lifeless lah balik rumah"

"Kau ni kerja pun tak, nak keluar je kerja"

"Ingat tak tahu kat sana Ilya asyik melepak je?"

"Macam tak ada function je Ilya balik rumah"

"Mengaku jelah Ilya tak sama, dah sah"

"Kau ni pemalas, tu masalahnya"

I know it's irrelevant to tell such story especially the one I'm about to tell now. But I just need somewhere to express this hurtful feelings and I know I won't be able to tell it upfront to someone. 

Would you be hurting if someone you love or close to you, said those words like the ones above? Well, I did, of course. At first, I don't feel like wanting to complain about it, but somehow it hurts too much for me now. I used to play sports for living when I was younger, but after I got into university, I felt that I should stop and think for my future. I already planned to finish my study In Shaa Allah until Master or PhD and then to have a job of my dream. It's not that I don't like continuing to play sports, but compare to having a part-time job for semester breaks, it does not help me make more money. Obviously I am jealous of my friends who work during semester breaks and earn around RM900 at least a month, they could then keep or enjoy the money later. And that they have activities to do while I'm here, stuck with nothing to do at home. Nevertheless, I also got accused for not putting any effort in life whereas I wasn't even allowed to do anything. Seriously? Certain people should be thankful that I actually stayed at home and not going out in public being wild like some teenagers (no offense). What hurts the most is when no one put their trust on me when I didn't do anything wrong. I don't go out to drink, party etc (again, no offense) but all I want is to hangout with friends. Hello! I have a life here to y'know! *sigh* how sad my life could be? You have no idea about it. What's more worst than being called as an 'adopted child' just because you looked different than all the rest of your family members? Nothing. Because family is everything and almost every night I ended up broken in tears when I think about it. When I played sports and during that time I didn't performed well, I will get such respond like "You're such an excuse. You could've done better for the result". Ouch huh? But then again, I keep reminding myself that others might have gotten worst than me and that I should be thankful with what I have. It still hurts y'know. 

Xoxo,

Ayleeya