Page 365 year 2015

Yeah. 

Help

I've thought of killing myself many times before. I've been depressed for so long. I've been in tears countless times. But no one is there. And they will never be.....

I'm never enough

It has been 4 weeks since I left home for various tournaments and my semester break has ended too. I've chosen this life since I was 10 when I started going on national tournaments. I've sacrificed my time, energy and feelings just to play squash, and all I want is to just come back home with the look of joy and happiness from my family's faces congratulating me for my hard work and whatever results that I get. Unfortunately, it was only just a dream. Years have passed by, and I'm still rarely at home yet they always say that I'm always home doing nothing and not helpful at all. I'm still busy with tournaments while studying and still busy with it when I'm on breaks. Why is everything my fault? Why is that I'm always at fault even if it wasn't my doing? Now that I just got back, why do you need to pick fights with me? I just want some rest. I really wanna hear "Congratulations, Ilya" for once with actual meaning of it and not hearing any mockings from all of you. I was never a professional athlete and never will be. I've wasted my childhood, my teen years and now my semester breaks just to play squash. Stop comparing me to those professional players. Just STOP! 

*clears the dust*

WHAT'S UP?

So here I am, during semester break and not having an actual one. Sucks huh? All I ever do is going for tournaments and get less money than the rest of my friends who are doing REAL part time JOBS. So yeah ~

Kenapa perlu jaga hati?

Pfft. 

Daripada aku jaga hati korang, baik aku tidur. Senang. Tak sakit hati. Tak menyusahkan.

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

#IlyaTurns19

(Back in 1997) ^

So, today is considered as my last year as a "teen", my 19th birthday! I thanked Allah for giving me life this long so far and I hope to live longer. In shaa Allah.

As some people would have celebrated or getting surprises for their birthday, I stayed at home this whole day. Sad, right? Haha. I shouldn't consider this as saddening because it is my 6th year without a proper celebration and I got used to it. And I finally learned that I shouldn't be answering when such question like "What do you want for your birthday?" was being asked by anyone, I won't get anything anyway. Whatever it is, here's to another year before ending my teenage years! :)

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

The End of Chapter One

On this post, I'll talk about what I would have done if I was in the situation of my previous post. 

I'll try to get an explanation from him first. There would be two or more consequences for this. For example, he either would lie and gave you an excuse, or he would tell the truth but you couldn't accept the fact about it. If he gave you an excuse, done! He's done for it. No excuses for you to not leave because if you gave your trust and he broke it but then still covers up like he is innocent, why should you give him a chance if he knows he could just make excuses for the next time he got caught? But then, if you're the type who could still give him a chance, ask him again, if the same excuse came out although you already know the truth, then it is up to you for your next step. Well, about the couldn't accept the fact, usually because you didn't want to admit your jealousy. Girls especially, they won't admit or confess their jealousy because they know people or their boyfriend would think of them as too clingy and annoying. But then, just talk it out. Say that you're sorry. If they couldn't accept your apology, just walk it off. There's no time to spent on people like that. I'm not asking you to easily break up or anything, everyone has their own way with their relationship. I'm just voicing out my opinion.

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

Chapter One

So today I would like to tell a story about a friend of mine (not a friend actually but some of you would get me) who shared her story with me (yang nak terasa, silakan). 

It started like this...

"Hey, I don't have anyone else to share this with and I hope you don't mind me telling you this. I have a boyfriend, whom I first known as a friend until he tried to win me over, and he did so we are now in a relationship. Our relationship are still new as it only has started since few months ago, and I still have doubts. My boyfriend was the one who approached me first, with all the promises he gave me, the support and effort for me. But I'm still worried. Days ago, I had a dream, which consider as a nightmare for me because in that dream, I saw no one, but then I saw a hand holding his phone. As the fingers runs through the phone, it then opened all his social accounts like WhatsApp and Twitter. I was still confused with the message of that dream. The fingers then opened up all the text in his WhatsApp's account and his Twitter's direct messages, my heart ache real bad when I saw what contains in it, but then the dream switched off as I woke up from my sleep. The feeling I had hurt me so much that I felt like I need to find out about it. So the time comes when we both finally meet. I realized that everytime we met, I rarely used my phone while he's always with his. I got insecured and aching feeling. This time, he had a tournament going on so I decided to check on his phone while he's busy. Guess what? I checked his Twitter first and found that there are few direct messages with girls (I ease myself thinking that they're just friends). The first conversation I opened, he started the conversation by asking if the girl still has his phone number, when the girl said 'no', he then gave out his number to her asking her to text him. The second one, also the conversation started by him, they had a normal conversation at first, and then again he asked if she still has his phone number, and also again, he gave out his phone number. I thought about reading all the other conversations he had with other girls, but just by reading those two conversations, it already hurts me like hell! My eyes were teary when I looked at him and he gave me a wide smile and I was thinking, "How could someone do something like this and still be cheerful like it never happened?", I then went to the toilet and actually cried a little. I wanted to talk to him about this but then I'm afraid of his answers. You know that I had few previous relationships that really hurt me. If you were me, what would you do? I can't stop myself from thinking that I shouldn't trust him in 100%, and that hurts me because I want to trust him. I know it's my fault too for going through his phone without his permission, but I need answers, I want answers! I even thought of changing my number as I don't wanna any strangers to know my number anymore or that some guys who wants to contact me. I stopped replying to most guys now except the ones who are my classmates or the ones who are close to me. What should I do now? Help me..."

Wanna know what I think about this problem? It'll be on my next post. 

Xoxo,

Ayleeya

"Nak buat macam mana kan?"

"Ilya ni lifeless lah balik rumah"

"Kau ni kerja pun tak, nak keluar je kerja"

"Ingat tak tahu kat sana Ilya asyik melepak je?"

"Macam tak ada function je Ilya balik rumah"

"Mengaku jelah Ilya tak sama, dah sah"

"Kau ni pemalas, tu masalahnya"

I know it's irrelevant to tell such story especially the one I'm about to tell now. But I just need somewhere to express this hurtful feelings and I know I won't be able to tell it upfront to someone. 

Would you be hurting if someone you love or close to you, said those words like the ones above? Well, I did, of course. At first, I don't feel like wanting to complain about it, but somehow it hurts too much for me now. I used to play sports for living when I was younger, but after I got into university, I felt that I should stop and think for my future. I already planned to finish my study In Shaa Allah until Master or PhD and then to have a job of my dream. It's not that I don't like continuing to play sports, but compare to having a part-time job for semester breaks, it does not help me make more money. Obviously I am jealous of my friends who work during semester breaks and earn around RM900 at least a month, they could then keep or enjoy the money later. And that they have activities to do while I'm here, stuck with nothing to do at home. Nevertheless, I also got accused for not putting any effort in life whereas I wasn't even allowed to do anything. Seriously? Certain people should be thankful that I actually stayed at home and not going out in public being wild like some teenagers (no offense). What hurts the most is when no one put their trust on me when I didn't do anything wrong. I don't go out to drink, party etc (again, no offense) but all I want is to hangout with friends. Hello! I have a life here to y'know! *sigh* how sad my life could be? You have no idea about it. What's more worst than being called as an 'adopted child' just because you looked different than all the rest of your family members? Nothing. Because family is everything and almost every night I ended up broken in tears when I think about it. When I played sports and during that time I didn't performed well, I will get such respond like "You're such an excuse. You could've done better for the result". Ouch huh? But then again, I keep reminding myself that others might have gotten worst than me and that I should be thankful with what I have. It still hurts y'know. 

Xoxo,

Ayleeya